What do I do if my girlfriend is pregnant but I'm not ready for kids?

BuzzVesperFly

I'm 22 and in a crisis. We’ve been together five years. She wants kids. I said no, I need to save money. But she’s pregnant. Shhe has no job, no savings, and barely helps at home. How can we handle a baby? I work long hours in farming. I wanted to keep working before having kids. What should I do? I’m only 22. I think it’s too early. Has anyone else been in this situation?

Best, 🙂

Zeropine

I believe that if you used protection and she decides to keep the baby, you still have the choice to stay involved or not. It would be a different situation if you hadn't used protection. But that's my personal opinion. Whatever you decide, remember that the new life will need a father figure.

TerryTheTank

Your child needs you by their side. That’s just how it is if she decides to keep the baby.

I’m 33 now. My guy is 10. I had him when I was 23. Way too early in my opinion, but I wouldn’t change it for the world, even though he’s a handful.

I get where you’re coming from wanting to work and save money. But here’s the thing. For at least two years, you’ll be the breadwinner for the family. She’ll understand and need to step up at home to keep things in order if you’re going to be working more than full time to provide for both of you.

But you need to sit down and explain the situation. Still, your dream of working in agriculture is something you can pursue, even if you have to work late because you’re the main income.

Life will be good as long as you keep moving forward. And life will take different paths to get you there.

DiscoNuclearChaser

My dad was 26 when I was born, and my mom was 20. She already had a three year old son from a previous relationship.

The downsides of having kids early include tighter finances and bigger challenges for the parents (less life experience), but I don’t think it necessarily means the kids will have a worse upbringing.

The advantages might include more opportunities to “live life” once the kids are grown and moved out, and a better chance to experience being a grandparent.

Of course, this is general there are huge variations.

Having your first child is a huge adjustment, but once you’re in it, most things fall into place naturally, and you learn to improvise when needed. Plus, mentally, you usually have about eight months to prepare.

It all works out!

Zepticree

I was 19 when I had my daughter (unplanned) and worked as a part time caregiver in healthcare, which meant a lot of evenings and weekends, so her mom had to take care of her a lot. But she was well aware of it. I won't lie, it was really tough on us for a few years, but it worked out. The important thing is communication between you two. Good luck! 👍

StarLord20K

I had my daughter when I was 22 too, and her mom was significantly older (17 years older 😇). I had the same ideas as you I wanted to own a house, have a stable job (though I was doing a lot of temp work back then), and have some savings set aside.

Of course, we kept the baby, and overnight, both of our lives changed completely. I grew so much, and so did my ex partner. Once you become a parent, everything changes, and no one is ever really ready for a child, but a child absolutely changes a person for the better.

When I was younger (16 or 17), I met a girl, and we were both still in school. She got pregnant, and her mom and I convinced her to have an abortion, mainly because we were still kids and in school. That’s something I regret to this day.

No matter what she decides or how your relationship turns out, make sure to be there for the child. A child needs both of their parents!

If it ends up being an abortion or a miscarriage, you should probably think about where your relationship stands today and whether you really want to live with someone who seems as uninvolved as you’ve described.

MeoW

Own the situation!

If she wants to keep it, it's her decision.

You need to take responsibility for how this happened and stay positive it will work out. My partner was 22 when our first child arrived. We got some raised eyebrows she was a student, I had just started working, and so on. But it all worked out.

Since then, we've built savings, bought an apartment, then a house, and more. Having kids early isn't a trap as some claim, as long as the basics are in place.

Lumineir

Of course, this is a very tough situation for you. If your relationship is already struggling without a child, my advice is that you should go your separate ways it’s not going to get better with a child (it will put enormous strain on both your home life and relationship). If she chooses to keep the child despite the separation, in my opinion, it’s your responsibility to seek joint custody and be a present parent/have the child part time, and adjust your work accordingly. The child needs and deserves their dad but of course, the option of being an absent deadbeat is always there.

I also want to remind you that research suggests that separating before the child is born is better for the child than splitting up during the first few years of life, which is likely what would happen if you’re already struggling now, as the transition would affect the child very negatively. Regardless, it’s extremely important to have good cooperation between the parents when it comes to the child.

AshyBeasto69

Either you accept the situation and step up to be a dad, but that means your life will change forever your young, carefree days are over, no more hanging out with friends, and from now on, it’s all about adult responsibilities.

Or you tell her you don’t want to be involved if she decides to keep the baby, but that will probably end your relationship.

Or you try to explain to her that you’re not ready right now, but maybe you will be in the future. But you need to sit down with her and really explain how you feel and think. Otherwise, she’ll run you over, and you’ll end up with a child you didn’t want in the first place. You’ll probably love the kid to death later on, but you might end up resenting her for not listening and making the decision without you. So try to get all your thoughts out before you make a decision. Because this is a lifelong choice, and there’s no taking it back once it’s done.

Good luck.

VelcroViking

Not an ideal situation to have a child unintentionally so early, but you’ve been together for five years, you have a stable job, she’s motivated, and she wants kids. It sounds like your concerns are mainly practical and financial, but those things can be worked out. If you otherwise have a good, stable relationship, I’d say go for it.

You can save money even with a child, especially if she doesn’t have an income right now. Kids aren’t that expensive. Buy second hand, ask friends or family with older kids if they want to pass on clothes or gear.

I’m 35 with two kids, had the first at 31. Your life isn’t over, but it does get really intense with small children. When your kid turns 18, you’ll be 40, so you’ll still be young enough to enjoy life if you’re worried about your freedom.

You probably never really feel “ready,” but it sounds like you two have a solid foundation. As a dad, I think it’s normal to worry about all the practical stuff and go into fix it, problem solving mode. You’ve got this. Own it and look forward to having a long time with your kids and plenty of time to become a grandpa someday.

CosmicRouge81X

I don’t think there are many options here. Be honest about where you stand both you and she deserve that. Then tell her you’ll step up, even if it’s against your will. Some people might say that if you used protection, you should be able to opt out of responsibility, but I can promise you that even if that reasoning holds up ethically, it’ll be really tough for you. And her. And the child. So, three people get hurt by that. If you do what you need to do, it’s not just one person affected. You can never really remove yourself from responsibility, and it doesn’t feel good either.

Pixiluxe28

I was studying, and my girlfriend at the time hadn't had a chance to build up any income or benefits. It worked out even though it was tight. Take it easy, and you'll get more tips from others in the thread. 👌

Darkcipher

From my own experience.
I never thought I was ready to have kids. But that happened anyway when I was around 40 and 42 years old.

Advantages: I’m in a better financial situation than I was at 20.

Drawbacks are plenty. Most of the time, it’s more demanding work.
You’ll have 20 fewer years with your kids compared to if you’d become a parent at 20.

And your parents or in laws are also 20 years younger, so they can help out in different ways.

FuryVandalX

Try talking to her about the seriousness of this. It's smart to take a step back and think it through. Having a child is a big responsibility, so think about what you're getting into.

silencesleeper

Step up and take responsibility for your child. However, you’re not obligated to take care of the mother of your child. If she doesn’t step up and becomes a burden, then you’ll simply have to go your separate ways, and you should do everything in your power to ensure the child has the best possible life. If you’re left to handle the family’s finances and household on your own, you’ll get overwhelmed.

DynoShok

Unfortunately, the decision is ultimately hers, so you need to step up and do everything you can to make this work. You have responsibilities as a father, even if you don’t feel ready. However, considering a paternity test might be worth it, especially since you used protection it’s rare for that to fail.