How do I cope with losing custody and a failing marriage?

CarloQuailXarn

Full disclosure: The back story to all of this is way too complicated to explain here.

I’m 26, currently serving in the military. I have a daughter with my ex‑wife, who hasn’t been able to care for her while I’ve been away. My ex‑wife, the guardian, and I have been navigating,custody proceedings for some time now. My daughter is currently living with a guardian. I’ve exhausted all of my resources in an effort to reintegrate with her after being deployed. It’s becoming clearer each day that I won’t get my daughter back for a very long time. I’ve walked the narrow path toward getting my child home, but that has not been enough, unfortunately.

In addition to trying to get my daughter back, my current wife and I are expecting our first child together in the fall. She’s been wanting a divorce for some time and regrets our marriage. She doesn’t see me as a leader, she has no respect for me, and is disgusted by me. She constantly reminds me how she doesn’t want me involved in my son’s life because she doesn’t want him to be anything like me.

I’m feeling worthless, exhausted, depressed, and defeated. I grew up never knowing my father. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I lost both my kids.

cattorpockets7

Take some time to read about stoicism.
Give yourself a short break from technology.
Avoid alcohol and clear your mind.
Sit down with your wife and honestly try to understand each other.
Listen, and keep emotions from taking over.
Aim to be 1 % better each day in all your relationships, especially the one with yourself.
Find a local F3 group.
I wish you the best hard work and a clear mind will help things get better.

Chilli

In my experience, squid uses military experience against us. Your best move is to go to JAG and ask for help while you're still in. Otherwise the road ahead will be very expensive.

truecreamtechie

I’m really sorry about what you’re dealing with. I get why you feel this way. You’re not the only one feeling like we’ve fallen short or aren’t good enough.

But you are enough. They’re your kids and you can’t stop fighting for them. They need to know their worth. Don’t give up. Time chhanges everything, so stay persistent and consistent.

As for your unborn son, congrats. I know you want a good relationship with your wife and her words hurt. He’ll need you, so don’t let her threats or anger dictate how you relate to him.

I’d suggest getting counseling or finding someone to talk to and work through these feelings. It’s a lot to shoulder on your own.

Never give up or give in, even when everything seems hopeless. Keep showing up and keep fighting for your kids.

SweeKaiserCookie

There's way too much context missing here to give you any solid advice just some vague encouragement.

primecoyote

You have many resources available. Before tackling family issues, please get help for yourself. If you want to be seen as a leader, lead yourself. Go get that help. The Navy considers your psychological health part of war‑fighting readiness. Get help yourself first. Then follow the pathways to legal and family support. You can start with your chaplains they’re there to point you in the right direction. You don’t even have to be religious. I’m an unshakable, proud atheist, but I’ll go to a chaplain.any day. Just go. Get off Facebook and into the real world. Go seek that help.

VampyraRavenx

Sad story. Tough times. The men on the USS Arizona never got the chance to have children or experience any of life. Live for them.

BeastWargamer

Hey man, I hope this helps you as much as it helped me. Keep fighting for your kid 💪🏾

RjJackDane

Sorry, brother. As a fellow vet, I know the pain. Fight for your kids and protect yourself everywhere. Stay focused on your life, purpose, and goals. If you’re a believer, return to the Good Word. Thanks for your service.

futblaine84

Hey.brother.

I went through similar trying times while I was in. Separation during a deployable unit is hard; finding time for what you need is almost impossible, and shore duty isn’t always better.

Talk to your CoC and the local RLSO for advice on navigating custody if you don’t already have representation. They can’t represent you, but they’re a good resource. You may also discuss HUMS orders to get things back on track.

Most importantly, take care of yourself so you can be there for your children. Divorce and life challenges happen, but know that no matter what anyone says, you’re worth it, you matter.

The Navy is just another job; someone will fill your spot if you leave, but your children can never replace you.

PM me if you’d like.

ClinicMonkey

The only advice I have: be objectively harsh on yourself so you avoid the behaviors she accuses you of. Motivate yourself and improve gradually. If it fails because she is the problem, your personal growth will still continue without her dragging you down. Working on your own self‑development will never disappoint; trying to change a woman's opinion when she doesn't want you will only break you. Live for yourself, bro.

kayajayaGeek

Show up and be proud of yourself! I know it’s hard to see the bright side, but you have a determined heart that’s amazing. Things will fall into line because you are fighting hard for your children. You are worth so much; your children will see the sacrifices you made and the hard work you put in. You are a strong leader don’t give up on yourself. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

VladStone92

Bro, you're 26 and got a whole life ahead to build. 🌱

What you've done so far is your foundation those first blocks are your learning bricks. 🧱

We guys learn from mistakes, stack ’em up, and get stronger. 💪

I'm an infantry vet, been thru the wringer, still fighting internal battles. I'm divorced, finally got custody of my kids years later after leaving the Army. 🇺🇸

#1 Get yourself right and keep YOU in check! 👊

Truth is, nobody's gonna pick you up except you when you fall. Remember your foundation, your worth, and don’t settle for less. 🚫

You LOVE your kid. That love’s always on target, your heart beats for her as a dad. Can’t see hr? Call her. Make time, don’t make excuses. 📞

There's light at the end of the tunnel. Even if it's a long tunnel, a slow train, or you need repairs, stay on track and you’ll get there. 🚂💡

You're a father nothing can take that away. Keep fighting, bro. ✊

AlmightyNative

Looks like you’re close to Chief just kidding.

Use every resource the support center offers.

Stoicism helps; read senior naval leadership on it. It got them through years in the Hanoi Hilton.

Document everything with your ex so a judge can see it at a custody hearing.

Talk to shipmates; you’re not the only one dealing with this.

Tell your chain of command. They care, and they’ll notice if they’re unaware, especially when performance suffers.

CarloQuailXarn

I’ll be sure to add it to my eval, reflecting on its significance.

I’ll tap into what.this stoicism is all about, curious to understand its nuances. I’ve been very transparent with my command, and they’ve been very supportive. I’ve exhausted every resource the military has to offer. I’m sending a letter to Congress this week, hoping to intervene on the court’s decision that discriminates against my military service. We’ll see what comes from it.

cptsultanshoes

I suppose you may already have a lawyer, yet perhaps it could be worth looking for a better one. Certainly they can be costly, but money tends to ebb and flow. You can’t regain the years you spend with your child. I’m not fully aware of all the nuances in your situation, but it seems wise to consider seeking help from BH. One military source offers ten free couples‑therapy sessions, so even if you’re unsure whether it will help, there appears to be little to lose by giving it a try. Feel free to PM me if you’d like someone to talk to.

CapeSilva77

You got it, brother talk with family readiness often, and consult the chap. Btw, no one can take away how good navy whites look 🥵 (sincerely, chair force)