Should I ask my wife to plan dates on her guaranteed off weekends?

ManlyPenguin

Gentleman, I need your help with an argument my wife and I had about planning dates.
Backstory: she’s a nurse who works every other weekend and sometimes gets on‑call that weekend. I have kids from a previous relationship, and I drive four hours each way on Friday to see them and four hours back on Sunday. Every month I ask her, “Which weekend this month should I stay home so we can go out?” Her answer: “Your kids need you—just go see them.”

From time to time I also bring my kids down to our home. (Another issue for another post.)
W
hen I ask for a weekend with her so we can plan it, she flips out and says she’d rather I pick a weekend she works and see if she can find a cover. Mind you, 85 % of the time her coworkers won’t trade or pick up. She also calls it controlling to ask for a weekend off when, 90 % of the time, she just stays home and does nothing. This has been dragging on for over a year, and we’ve managed only one non‑holiday, non‑gathering date in that span.

What is your guys thoughts? Am I wrong to be asking for a time we know she can have the time off and do something and not worry about if someone will cover the shift or am I wrong and being controlling like she said?

royalblade360

Ask her to print her schedule. You plan a date.

Chilli

I would just plan it and take her out instead of asking. I get it she’s a nurse and on her days off she just wants to chill because her job is stressful. But a date every six weeks shouldn’t be out of the question. I say just plan it, then surprise her with everything planned.

Electruckdriver

Looks like she deserves a well‑deserved down day to unwind, relax, and have no expectations. She’d rather swap a shift for a date night… she’s handing you the solution. Be sensitive to her needs and give it a try!

swampdoppeledrad

She’s being unfaithful... I can already hear the chorus of voices that will rush to judge me today. When you mentioned the nurse, something inside me recognized it instantly. And then, as you painted the picture of what’s happening, the truth sharpened she’s already mentally walked away from you.

BoogiJetDev

I appreciate that you're wise enough to ask for input, recognizing that this isn’t good for your marriage long‑term and that it feels like it’s steering you toward divorce.

All I can share is how I would handle it if I were in your shoes. I would go every other weekend to see my kids when it’s her weekend to work.

If I were you, I’d plan dates around her schedule, choosing the two days she’s off during the week or the weekends she has free.

I sense part of the challenge is that you’ve stepped back from leading the romance side right now. As men, we see tis as an honor, not a burden. Maybe start with lunch dates or mid‑week meet‑ups to stay connected.

If dates feel like just a code to meet up for sex or feel misguided, remember the real bonus of date night is deeper connection.

The National Marriage Project found that weekly date nights are linked to a 350‑plus percent increase in marital satisfaction, and at least twice a month is a good baseline.

Date night is really about setting aside time to connect, deepen, and grow intimacy just like when you first started dating. It can be a lunch, breakfast, coffee, or evening date.

Wishing you all the best.

rizecatlover

Thanks for sharing.

That's a tough spot, and I totally get why you're frustrated, brother.

Just remember, the only person we can truly change is ourselves. Your wife will need to decide to change on her own.

From what I've picked up over the past few years, a lot of problems can be fixed by talking better and learning how to bring up stuff so she doesn't feel blamed or shamed.

You might want to check out the ARC System – Create An Unbreakable Marriage (Dads Only). They've got tons of free stuff to help you chat more effectively and reconnect with your wife.

Wishing you all t he best 👊🏻❤

AceStepWolf

Man, I’m grateful I’m not married to a nurse, yet a pang of guilt hits me when I think of my wife, who is married to one. Nursing drains us completely, leaving nothing for the people we love. We daydream about doing things beyond the hospital walls, but exhaustion steals the energy to even plan on our days off. I suggest we take the reins of the planning. I tell myself not to ask too many questions, because vague answers only add to the frustration. I need to design something that soothes the soul, because often all I want is to curl up into a ball and stay there forever. We are exhausted, man.