Should new partners financially support bonus kids?

Electruckdriver

Wow, isn't this something?

My partner is part of several mom groups on Facebook, and let me tell you, the sotries that pop up there are something else! Moms often share how their new partners (even after 5+ years) flat-out refuse to contribute to raising the kids from previous relationships.

My reaction? What the actual world?! Don’t you split things 50-50, no matter what? I mean, you’re living with those bonus kids, right?

Now, I’ve got a bonus child of my own, and let me tell you, I don’t see a difference between them and their siblings—one big, happy team! 🌟

But here’s the big question: Is it really common for dads to think, My money shouldn’t go to someone else’s kids?

GalacticRamp

If you're sharing a household and finances, it naturally follows that you’d share that responsibility too, of course. Still, they’re someone else’s kids, and they have a dad. Even if I were living with someone who has kids with someone else, they’d never be my kids, and they’re first and foremost the parents’ responsibility. That said, I wouldn’t make a practical distinction in that sense around the house. ❤️

Chilli

I've had a stepmom* who was really that kind of person.

It wasn't about us older kids getting to go on nice vacations or trips.

It still hurts, even though it's been settled and forgiven with our dad a long time ago about how he went along with it.

So, in my opinion, it's completely unacceptable and ridiculous. The first set of kids need to be involved in every part of their parent's life. It feels super weird when you're excluded as a child from parts of it.

*) "Stepmom" just for clarity she never actually took on that role. She was just there.

Cybrostorm9

So, if you choose to live with someone who has kids from a previous relationship, you really need to step up and take responsibility, whether they're "your" kids or not.
I have two bonus kids, and their dad is a deadbeat literally. I see them as my own kids even though I'm just their stepdad. I'm not saying only my biological child is mine; all three are my kids. If I were to break up with my partner, I’d still call them my kids if I’m being honest. I love them as if they were my biological children, and I plan to adopt them in the future after we get married.

LaserRainboy27

People are probably more inclined to get divorced and have more children with different mothers and fathers than they were 10, 20, or 50 years ago. It seems very popular and modern these days to have things split up and have different views on fairness, unfortunately, with the understanding that people can grow apart.

If you want a relationship that works long term, you should have a joint economy and be married (in my opinion), so then it’s 50/50, and you should view bonus kids as your own. People should get married more often to sort this kind of thing out.

But then again, it can feel strange if someone has 3 4 kids already and you have one of your own, and maybe you’re expecting one together. Even if you get married and aim to treat all the kids as your own, no matter how it was at the start, you might still want to prioritize your own children.

Especially when it comes to bigger things like saving, driver’s licenses, and inheritance, and if one person earns a lot more.

Ideally, it’s 50/50, but I think it’s a very complex issue depending on the circumstances within each family.

LiveLoveEverydy

I'm not at all interested in contributing to someone else's children, so I made a conscious choice not to be with a single mom. It would have been unfair to the kids, to her, and to myself.

silencesleeper

It really depends on the situation. My dad and his "new" partner (this was back in the 90s) took me on some trips but not all. I’d guess that any major expenses for me were covered by my dad, not his new partner. They both had similar incomes, so they probably worked it out in their own way.

At the end of the day, you have to make sure the bonus kid’s other parent contributes their fair share of the costs, without being overly stingy toward the bonus kid.

WhisperEchoes

It’s about contributing, right? I think if you’re living under the same roof, you should contribute equally as a parent, whether you’re biological or not. But there are a lot of factors to consider, at least from my perspective. If I were single and met someone who had kids from before, I’d assume that both me and my new partner would contribute equally. But when it comes to bigger things like driver’s licenses, mopeds, cars, etc., which are more financially demanding, I think it should be up to the biological parents to contribute. On the flip side, I wouldn’t expect my new partner in this scenario to financially support my biological children’s more expensive needs. At least that’s how I feel now I’ve never been in that situation, though. Maybe you’d want to contribute if you could, but it’s not something you should expect.

son1knight75

I have a bonus daughter, and I view her just as I do my biological child. I make no distinction at all. It would feel really strange to do otherwise, actually. 🙂

NexiaCoreX

You get the whole package you can’t pick and choose which parts you want and which you don’t.

My partner got annoyed when I bought clothes for her kids from a previous relationship and said it wasn’t my responsibility. Their dad, without exaggeration, is pretty frugal with spending, and I don’t mind contributing.

When we had a child of our own, we didn’t see eye to eye on how much we should save for them. She thinks it’s enough to cover things like a driver’s license, but I want to save more so they’ll have a solid foundation when they start adult life. Her older kids have very little savings, so to minimize potential conflicts between the siblings, I set up a savings plan for them too they’ll each get the same amount when they reach a certain age.

The savings for the bonus kids (under my plan) will total around $100k together, while my biological son’s savings will be over $200k. I feel like I can’t do much about the difference because the timelines for saving are so different, and my top responsibility is my biological child first and foremost.

At the same time, the bonus kids will have financial support from two households, while my biological child will only have backing from one.

MeoW

If you choose to be with a partner who already has kids, you’ve got to take the good with the bad!
There’s no such thing as "yours" or "mine" in a family like this they’re OUR kids!
I’ve got a daughter with my ex, a mutual child with my wife, and she has four kids from two previous dads. That makes six kids in total, and I see every single one of them as my own, biological or not they’re family!
And my wife and I both pitch in financially, no matter if they’re bonus kids or not. 😎👍

CosmicRouge81X

You don't need to treat the kids differently when it comes to meals, rules, and so on. However, clothing and other expenses should be handled by the biological parents or legal guardians, not the bonus parents.

burntstarry

I gained a bonus son when he was 5 years old, and later had a child of my own with his mom. The bonus son had shared custody between us and his dad. His biological dad got engaged to a woman who had an older child of her own, and she only prioritized her own son. Whenever we went on trips and such, the bonus son would stay with us.

I never saw any difference between the bonus son and my own child. Everything was always shared equally, and the bonus son got what he wanted within reason. Of course, my younger son eventually took over most things anyway.

Even after we separated, the bonus son lived with me for over two years (until he moved out). This was partly because his mom wasn’t doing well and partly because his biological dad didn’t stand up for him against his new partner. The bonus son today struggles a lot with his dad and his dad’s partner, as his dad didn’t support him. At my place, he had a safe environment, and there was no distinction between the bonus son and my biological son.

My point is that you should feel lucky to have a bonus child. They enrich your life if you don’t treat them differently from your biological children.