Ex wants sole custody for benefits—do I have to fight for joint in

BrewtifulFrost

Hi everyone! I'm super excited to join this group as I wait for my first child, arriving on April 14th! I have a question to ask—hoping for some advice here. My child’s mom is my ex, and we split because we just didn’t click. We’re not enemies, but she’s talking about wanting sole custody at first for more flexible time off and to qualify for housing help. She says it’s not about me, but looking back, her reasons don’t quite add up. Whether we have joint custody or not, she’d still get the housing assistance, and the child would live with her. I could even share my parental leave days if she needs them. It feels like there’s more to it… Of course, I want to be a big part of my child’s life—I’m just as much a parent as she is! But it feels like the decision is all hers. Do I have to go to family court if she won’t agree to joint custody? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

TheDarkMysticRyder

Hello! First off, congratulations on becoming a dad! It’s completely right to question this, as custody is about the child’s best interests, not about practical or financial benefits for one parent.

You have just as much right as the mother to be an active part of your child’s life from day one. Joint custody is typically the standard in the U.S. unless there are specific reasons to deny it. Her desire for more parental leave benefits or housing benefits isn’t a legal reason for sole custody.

If she doesn’t agree to joint custody, you can turn to family court for mediation. If that doesn’t resolve things, you can apply for custody through the district court. It may feel tough, but the law supports you as a present and engaged father.

Stand your ground your child deserves to have both parents in their life! Good luck, and don’t hesitate to seek legal advice if you need it.

Chilli

Stand your ground on joint custody. We’re all new to this at the beginning, and every child is different with different needs. It will work out, and you’ll do your best while learning everything about your child and their routines.

She won’t give in just to let you have joint custody later instead, she’ll probably use every excuse, like claiming you haven’t been involved in the child’s life before. It feels like she’s just trying to manipulate you. Housing benefits are something she can get anyway. You can always transfer days to her. If she has sole custody, you’ll also end up paying child support to her.

If she refuses joint custody, get familiar with family services as soon as possible for advice. If you’re not getting help, you’ll have to take her to court.

Kalimdor

Start with family law and discussions, but be clear from the beginning that you want joint custody. There’s no reason she needs to have full custody initially unless something exceptional is happening. You can have joint custody even if the child lives with her full time at first there’s no rule against that. You still have the right to spend time with the child, be involved in decisions (like pediatric care, daycare, doctors, or address), and have a say in their life.

My oldest kid has joint custody with my partner and his biological dad, but the child has always lived with us full time. There’s no bad blood between them he pops up occasionally but isn’t really capable of being a parent. Still, he’s my son’s biological father, and they have the right to see each other. But whenever we’ve needed something for school, healthcare, or banking now that he’s a teenager, we’ve had to get both signatures, which has sometimes caused delays or complications.

DiscoNuclearChaser

I had a colleague who did the same thing you're considering gave up his custody rights so his girlfriend could get more time with the kids and benefits, etc. But then, in hindsight, she used the custody as leverage against him. And he regretted giving up custody. So, I'm saying no. Never give up custody, no matter the reason, because it's much harder to get it back.

GalacticRifter

She can receive housing benefits and parental leave benefits from you even if you both share custody. Register the paternity through the Social Security Administration together with her. If she refuses, you can request a paternity test through child support services to establish that you're the father (if you want custody).

VaporBlaze88

Regarding parental leave days, 90 days are reserved exclusively for you. You can transfer all except those 90. She can get those 90 days only if you deny custody.

She can still receive housing allowance even if you have custody.

In summary, if she wants to claim all the parental leave days, it requires you to give up custody.

My personal thought on this is that it feels manipulative, and you should definitely not give up custody. You have no guarantee of gaining custody later on.

Take this matter to family court or district court.

BlossomBlazer

Don't give up custody or parenting time. You need more than just quantity time with your child! But also try to avoid active conflict if you can. Separate the person from the issue. You're going to need to cooperate with your ex for the next 18 years now!

Nightwoven

First off, congratulations! 💕 Like everyone else is saying, never give up on custody. It’s almost impossible to get it back once you’ve let it go. And as you’ve noticed when you looked into everything, she doesn’t need sole custody or your parental leave days. Those days are for you to build a bond with your child and be involved, so you need them too. This doesn’t necessarily mean she’s trying to trick you, as some suggest; she might just not understand how it works either. So, have a calm and rational conversation, and you’ll likely figure out her intentions during it. But there’s a risk things could turn ugly, with mudslinging and lies to get her way. "That’s when things get real."

So, protect yourself by saving texts, recording calls, and being very clear in your communication. I know it sounds like I’m being dramatic, but it’s just to cover your back. She doesn’t need to know you’re preparing, and if everything goes well, you can happily delete it all later. Hopefully, she’s reasonable. I hope and wish things go well and that you have a good future with your child.

Luminatek

Joint custody is only granted if you’re living together and sign the paperwork for it from the start, probably when establishing paternity. If you don’t do anything, custody automatically goes to the mother if you’re not living together or married.

If you’ve verbally agreed on joint custody later in the child’s life, you should have arranged for it from the beginning instead. It becomes much harder to change custody status later on. There’s a risk she might find a new partner, start living with them, and suddenly turn against you completely. People, both women and men, can act impulsively and make decisions based on that. If a life event occurs, things can escalate into threats and accusations between multiple parties.

So, make sure to arrange for joint custody right from the start. You can still provide parental leave, and she can apply for housing benefits under the same conditions, since it’s based on living arrangements, not custody. Since you two seem to be communicating now, take the opportunity and act on it!

It could be too late in a year if she changes her mind and decides she wants sole custody instead.

AshyBeasto69

If you want joint custody, you both should have it. Take a paternity test, and once it's confirmed, you can file online to establish yourself as the father and request joint custody. After that, it's up to her whether she agrees to it or not.

Housing benefits have nothing to do with joint custody it’s entirely based on the income of her household.

As for giving up days, you don’t need to figure that out until it’s necessary, so you both have time to decide how you want to handle the first year.

Aurorawitch

As others have mentioned before, it's easy to give up custody, but getting it back can be a real hell. So, even if it ruins your relationship with your ex, stand your ground on joint custody because it’s the smart move.

Lyraxxide

Congratulations on the upcoming baby! It's completely understandable that you have questions and concerns about custody. This is an important issue that affects you, the mother, and most importantly, the child. Here’s some information that might help.

You are just as much a parent as the mother and have the right to be involved in your child’s life. If you’re not married when the child is born, the mother automatically gets sole custody. However, you can file for joint custody with the tax authority.

If the mother opposes joint custody, you can turn to the family court.

The mother’s argument doesn’t hold up that sole custody grants more parental leave or housing benefits. These benefits are tied to where the child is registered and how the parents choose to take parental leave. It’s possible the mother has other reasons for wanting sole custody. It might be a good idea to try having an open and honest conversation with her to understand her perspective.

What you can do is talk to the mother. Try to have a calm and constructive dialogue about your wishes and concerns.

If you can’t agree, you can contact the family services in your area. They can offer co parenting counseling and help you find a solution that’s best for the child.

If you can’t reach an agreement, it might be a good idea to contact a legal representative who specializes in family law.

Important to keep in mind:
The child’s best interests should always be the focus.
It’s important for you as parents to cooperate, even if you’re no longer a couple.
Try to avoid conflicts and focus on creating a secure and stable environment for the child.

I hope this has been helpful. Good luck!

MeoW

Hey, looking back, my partner and I were actually going to agree on paper that she should have sole custody just so she could have the child 100% of the time, which would make her finances better until our daughter starts preschool.

ToxicVandalizer

Contact family services directly and explain exactly what she said to you. Don’t give up even a single day because you’ll need those days as the years go by with your child. Don’t let her manipulate you!