How do I set boundaries with my GF when her kids (13 & autistic 6yo) drain

EchoStarVee

I'm in a bit of a tough spot here. My partner has three kids from a previous relationship, and she’s asked me to look after her 13-year-old daughter and her 6-year-old son, who has severe ADHD and autism. The problem is, the 13-year-old seems to enjoy pushing the 6-year-old’s buttons, which makes him really angry and aggressive, and then fights start. Honestly, I think she does it on purpose to make things harder for me. When I bring this up with my partner, she gets upset and doesn’t get why I’m not more into taking care of her kids. I drive them to school every morning to give her some peace, and I even go to the 6-year-old’s gymnastics practice every week, trying to make things easier for her. But when I need some downtime for myself—I’m only 26 and not exactly used to raising kids—it never feels like it’s enough. She hasn’t had to drive them for almost a year, and honestly, I’m feeling prett overwhelmed taking on so much responsibility for kids who aren’t even mine.

GizmoFuzz

If you feel like the 13 year old is provoking you, I’d encourage you to get to know her better and build a relationship with her. When you’re in a relationship that involves kids, you’ve got to step up, even if things get chaotic. Otherwise, your partner might start feeling alone in your relationship, which seems like what she’s trying to convey. It’s rarely about fairness when someone says things like that it’s more about how they’re feeling in the moment. Personally, I’d focus on building a connection with the kids.

KevTheRev

It's her responsibility to take care of her kids, not yours. You can definitely offer help and babysit when you feel up to it, but she shouldn't take it for granted that you'll always be there for them.

VampyraRavenx

Just leave, no questions asked! If she can't handle taking care of her kids, it's not your responsibility to step in. If you feel your partner is worth fighting for, consider couples therapy to work through what boundaries should be in place in your family. Because it’s wrong for her to just dump the responsibility on you.

Syzygael

It seems the issue stems from your differing expectations about what it means to be in a relationship with someone who has children. Her perspective seems pretty straightforward that responsibility is simply shared, based on her previous experience. You, on the other hand, haven’t required others to take care of your children in past relationships.

If your fundamental views are too different, you’ll both need to compromise. That probably means you’ll need to take on more responsibility, and she’ll need to adjust to giving you more space. If that’s not possible, you might simply have to accept that living together won’t work out.

Good luck.