How do I cope with guilt after a toxic 20-year marriage?

MaxYamPro

I never imagined that my divorce would show my wife as such an issue that my kids would ask me to be the sole provider. It feels freeing yet devastating to realize the person I loved so much treated everyone in our family, including me, terribly.

I can’t believe I went so wrong. After 20 years with someone, my dedication harmed those aruond me so negatively.

Zeropine

She has no self awareness. Sad, many people don't... sounds like she needs therapy

VelcroViking

"You can have feelings, but you're responsible for what you do with them."

AshyBeasto69

As someone who grew up with a narcissistic parent, be sure to praise your kid a lot for how they handled it.

NightscapeRiff

I understand this completely. I’m going through it now with my 13‑year‑old. When he tries to tell his mom how she makes him feel, she only says, “Sorry you feel that way.” Their relationship has been hanging by a thread for years, and now he’s reached a point where he’s done with her and wants no contact.

ShadowForks

Sounds like my soon to be ex. She's allowed to have feelings but I cant

StarlitOdyssey

I find myself reflecting on my father’s behavior. He abused my mother. Whe we, as adults, bring it up, he avoids the topic, defends himself, and even seems to have forgotten what he did. He appears to be in such deep denial that he has blocked out how abusive he was and now believes he wasn’t abusive at all. He thinks I started fights with him, yet in reality I was defending my mother; even now he holds the belief that I instigated those incidents. Craziness!

ripperpandachik13

I felt somewhat sorry for her after reading your child's text, but not after reading hers. Yikes.

PeakGoku

I feel for you, man.

Begin learning gray rock.
Show up as you wish.

ChillySwoliosis

I feel a lingering sadness when I see how many people can’t take accountability for their actions, or don’t even want to start looking into it.

JimPatchesAnt

I’d expect that from a teenager, not a parent! Honestly, nothing surprises me anymore with how crazy relationships are today. Keep praying for your kids and their mom both should get counseling, especially Mom.

S1Cowdog

I had my 4‑year‑old tell CAS and OCL that she wanted to live with Daddy and just visit Mommy.
When a 4‑year‑old says that you know something’s up.

MulhollandTottiGrind

My fiancé's mother is exactly like that, which is why I stopped her from seeing the kids.

infantrydigital

They become insensitive at that point and only think about themselves in the moment instead of what they could achieve over a lifetime… As a man, I don’t know where we go wrong…

As men, we’re supposed to provide the life we want for others’ benefit, not just our own. Sorry to hear about your situation, man. My ex‑wife treated me the same way after all the hours I spent away from home, and then I found out my money was mishandled and I was lied to. It gets tiring after a while and you start wodnering if this is really the life for you. Leave while you still have your kids and focus on them until they’re grown.

cryptodadbread

How she responded to the child is a huge red flag.

GabeNerd182

I’m truly sorry you’re carrying this weight, brother. I keep reminding myself not to let the anger I feel toward their mother turn into harsh words, no matter how painful the truth is, and I focus on letting my kids always feel the love I have for them. I’m holding on to being the dad I want to be.

EchoVortex89

I get it, I really do! I spent 15 years with my ex‑wife and in those last few years she turned everything upside down for me, our son, and even her own daughter. When we finally split, my son came with me and cut all t ies with her, and her daughter fled 9 hours away to her dad’s place just to escape Mom. My ex‑wife throws blame at everyone for her actions and for why the kids don’t want to be around her. Sounds like you’ve been married to a narcissist just like me!

brownconjboomscrib

You’re not responsible for another’s actions; reading that just screams narcissist to me. Please don’t let them make you think otherwise. It’s time to walk away with your kids, head held high, and remember to grow into the best version of yourself you can be. It’ll be worth it. Good luck, sir.

SaltyTreeHouse

I’m right there with you. After 20 years, I’m raising three kids who are still minors and one who just turned adult. My oldest, who moved out years ago, no longer speaks to her mom. With five kids in total, most of them barely see their mother. I truly understand the pain and the challenges you’re going through.

rockwilsonb

She never seems to look in the mirror, to try and improve herself then she lashes out at the kids when they point it out. Come on, have some humility; recognize you need to work on yourself, or your kids won’t want to be around you. Crazy.