How do I cope with guilt after a toxic 20-year marriage?

MaxYamPro · 2026-03-15T23:15:05+00:00

I never imagined that my divorce would show my wife as such an issue that my kids would ask me to be the sole provider. It feels freeing yet devastating to realize the person I loved so much treated everyone in our family, including me, terribly. I can’t believe I went so wrong. After 20 years with someone, my dedication harmed those aruond me so negatively.

ramanlord

I feel for your kids and you, bro. No human should be subject to this; all these bitter feelings reflect how unhappy they are with themselves   narcissistic behavior 101. They will never assign blame to themselves. I’ve been through some of this.

Some of us here are suckers for punishment, too; we are attracted to stronger personalities, but it comes at a cost to family and friends. I was always the happy soul, the socialite, and we do what we must because tomorrow we need… help. An aggressive person and an unhappy soul who doesn’t like anyone or want to socialize   who can they call if they get someone to assist them? It’s not because they want to; it’s because they fear the repercussions of what could happen if they on’t.

Another thing I discovered is the pettiness.

Another side note: it’s not a wasted 20 years. Besides the kids, there were some happy times, and during fights, focus on those happy moments and remind them of those times, because nobody remembers the good times; everyone just wants to remember the shitty times.

toxicmelme

I’m really sorry 😞. You’re not the only one who’s been through this. When you’re living it every single day, it’s so easy to miss it. You didn’t actually go wrong you did what seemed right at the time. And honestly, if your kids feel secure and comfortable with you, that just shows how great a person you are.

RoadRover

I feel the same. After ten years, my eyes finally opened to how toxic she was having affairs and telling strange men that her husband was dead. Even her own son, my stepson, chose me over his mother and now refuses any communication with her. I’m still working to repair my damaged name after almost a year.

PepitoPickle

My son is 4, but I know I’m about to face the same scenario as he gets older. My ex is the same way, and I feel exactly how you do. I met her at 18; we were together 11 years. I also don’t know how or why I tolerated her crap. But what they say is true: the kids always see the parents’ TRUE colors, and they’ll learn for themselves.

FriendlyMarmalade

My dad was right, you never truly know someone until you divorce them

mellonvalkia

Her emotions are valid her behavior is not there’s a big difference between the 2

ClappyCrafty23

This is a typical outcome of the “happy wife, happy life” mindset.

Stop treating grown‑ups like kids; hold them accountable for their actions just like anyone else, and they won’t act surprised when someone else makes a choice.

flashinglobster5

Hey look a narcissist. Once you’ve played their game you can recognize the script.

munchsteel

I had the opposite. My ex was more of a friend to the kids than a parent, especially my oldest son. He could manipulate her to get what he wanted, and she told them I only had rules and discipline bc I didn’t care. And she never had money ’cause I wasn’t paying child support tbh, the first year I actually paid double to catch up the arrears the state automatically starts you with.

SirenExalt

Wow. I just saw my mom in those texts. I'm so sorry.

ricjoeybande

I’ve been noticing this a lot lately, especially with women in general. It seems like more and more kids are picking their dads, and the moms are putting themselves first. As a dad of two biological kids and two step‑kids, I can’t even recall the last time I put myself before my family especially before my kids’ feelings.

Xamnu21Ftsorc

Been there man. It sucks seeing someone you loved as they truly are.

knoxbingalings

Hey, you’re not responsible for your ex’s trauma. You’re actually a gift to your kids without you, they’d have turned out differently. Just keep being present for them the way you are, and try not to punish or judge yourself for something you were never meant to control or be responsible for.

OstgarDuck

Narcissism is a clinical mental illness. Do not misuse the term. People may act selfishly and lack self‑awareness. Their behavior can resemble narcissism, yet everyone labels their X a narcissist. For this post, I agree: a straight NARC.

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